Bliss

Por Zaiza Souza Vaccarezza Miranda

As I woke up and looked around me, a strange feeling overcame me, a certain bliss I swear I never felt, like wind carrying the scent of roses and spring, this unknown feeling was new, exciting, and bubbly. I saw a bright light that was hard to adjust to, so I closed my eyes in hopes of solace from the dark, but the smell was overwhelming, it made me curious to know where it came from. I opened my eyes once again, this time everything was clearer, the sun was shining brightly on top of my head, the lilies blooming all over me, the grass as soft, and if I listened closely, I could hear the crashing waves at a distance.

I don’t remember how I got to this place, so I closed my eyes once again, trying to recall how was it that I found such a place. My first memory is of my mother, cradling me in her arms as I first fell down the front steps of our old house, the salty tears running down my youthful face, my mother’s sweet hymn, lulling me to calmness and sleep, “hush, hush little baby, don’t you cry, mommy’s here, she’ll kiss your eyes, shoosh, shoosh pain, do go away, my little baby, sleep with the faes”.

Mother always taught me to believe in the supernatural, nature was a force to be reckoned with, and mother believed that there were so many possibilities of creation from Mother Nature, I couldn’t help but believe the same, she would say “with all her power and might, Mother Nature made all of us, human and not to live in harmony and enjoy life to the fullest”. She always knew how to make me smile.

Next memory is from my teens, in my rebellious phase, I couldn’t really understand why the world was out to get me, or why I was so mad at everything and everyone. Mother always tried to understand, it was natural, as all things were in her eyes. I really couldn't get too mad at her, she always knew how to appease my anger and frustrations, I never understood, but that’s how she was, a force to be reckoned with, and the warmest person in the planet.

This memory is a dark one, which I thought I had buried deep down to never resurface again, but here we are. On a dark and cold night, things weren’t going well for me at my new job, to cope I had turned to alcohol to take the edge off of things, I was numb, the world wasn’t as bright as I had thought, humans were corrupt, evil, and malicious, and I was naïve, young, and stupid. I thought I could trust the people around me and opened up about myself, I told them my secret, of how I loved and liked to be loved. Things went south from there, I was ostracized at work, I could barely get a project to work on, and money was running low, I had to choose between a meal and booze, and I was so hurt, and tired that I chose booze most of the time. It was making me sick; I couldn’t do things properly at work anymore, the few projects that went my way were coming out as if a toddler made them. I was fired and broke. I lived on the streets for couple months, ashamed to show anyone this broken side of me.

That’s when she came back into my life, a school friend, from my rebellious phase, she recognized me, she took me by the arm crying and drove me to her house. I couldn’t understand then why she reacted that way, but I believe she would tell me when the time was right. I was skin and bones, I barely ate, I only drank with the money I got from begging. She looked at me with such warmth and care, I broke down completely, we were both crying on her sofa, hands clasped on one another, she caressed me, told me things would be alright, gave me food, a place to sleep and a roof over my head.

I asked her how did she recognize me at that state, she said “your eyes, I never did forget your eyes”. I still could not understand, what did she mean? My eyes? These sunken hell holes, dark and burned, the soul was fading, there sure wasn’t much to remind her of the good times. She laughed, sitting next to me, laid her head on my shoulder and said “how come you don’t know I always had a soft spot for you dummy? Your eyes are just indescribable, I’m looking at them and I can’t put into words what I see”. I was stunned, what did she mean, it was me who never forgot her, who couldn’t sleep at times in our teens, who would always come up with something to do together, and then I laughed and cried, and told her all about what had been going on. How my life fell apart because of love and hate.

She cried again and hugged me so tight I almost collapsed; I was that weak. It hurt so good that I cried again, she was so warm. I asked her if she could help me, I was sick and tired of being like this, I was ashamed that I let it get this bad, I just wanted it to be over. And she smiled and comforted me, “of course I’ll help, you took the first step, and I would love to hold your hand through it”. It was such an emotional time in our lives. I shall never forget it.

This memory comes a few years after our reunion, we’re married now, happy, I’m less ashamed of my past, I can hold my head up high, and take risks unafraid of the fall, since I now have a sturdy safety-net. I was on top of the world, life was back on track, and I was happier than ever, she was the first thing I saw in the morning and the last thing I saw at night. She would hold my hand when nightmares would haunt me, hug me tight and comfort me. She was all I never thought I deserved in life. She was also happy, which was a worry of mine, that the happiness I held was not the same for her, but it was, and would laugh, and dance, and sing. And together we got so far in life.

Couple more years into the future we had grown bigger, our family I mean. We had a little girl, she was a new light in our life, and we were all smiles, mother was a grandma, and she couldn’t be happier, my wife was such a wonderful mother, it was scary how ready she was and unready I was. Our baby loved grandma the most, but loved us the same, it was a running joke in the family, that mother was a child whisperer, that all children loved her, but I couldn’t agree, mother was a human whisperer, any human would lover her, for her wisdom and warmth. 

My wife smile grew and grew, and life was pure bliss. Mother invited us to visit a friend summer house, she said our little one would love it, and so would we, and mother always knew best so we went. The road trip was fun, we played games, sang so many songs we almost lost our voices on the way. The little one would ask about our lives previous to her arrival, and anxiety would loom over me, but my wife, my lovely wife, with just a touch of the hand things quieted down, and I would tell them stories of my youth, of my rebellious phase, of my mother, of nature, the trees and the garden, and they would laugh and smile with me. The wife would also tell us tales of her youth and of all the shenanigans she pulled on her parents, and we would laugh and warn the little one to not follow our footsteps, and then she would laugh mischievously, giving us the cutest look.

This summer house was all that mother said it would be and more, it was next to the ocean, and a plain filled with flowers that were almost in bloom. We spent most of our time at the beach, building sandcastles and making sand angels, by instruction of the little one. Some days there would be a boat docked at the port and with it we would explore the ocean to marvel at it ruthless beauty. We were all a little afraid of the open waters, but our little one was such an adventurous lady that we had to follow suit. And how right she was, we saw all kinds of marine life, whales, dolphins and even some jellyfish and turtles.

When the flowers bloomed, we all went together see the see of flowers, and there it was. Pure bliss, the whirling winds carrying the scent of freshly bloomed lilies, the echoing laughter of the women of my life, the feeling of real spring, that never had occurred before. The soft grass caressing my skin, my loves running around, this bubbly feeling that I never felt, the sun lightly burning my face, I laid down and took it all in. “So, this is my life hum…” I spread my arms, feeling the soft caress of the lily petals, their smell, the sun, the sound of the crashing waves at a distance, and all of a sudden two heads laid on me, my world was complete.